Fairytale Romance

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After being in a relationship for a while the spark can kind of leave it like you’ve stepped on the romance candle by mistake. Obviously after you’ve been together for some time it can be hard to keep it going. If you’ve had your usual day of working in a toothpaste factory and on the way you nearly drowned in a large puddle then once you get home you’re not really going to be in the mood to romance your girl.

 

The main advice I can give you is make her think like she’s the only woman in the world. Saying ‘The fittest girl of the century was on the bus today, would love to tap that,’ probably won’t do you any favours. Neither will shouting out Katherine Moenig’s name during love making. I’m not talking about serenading her every morning, she may get tired of stepping over you to go get breakfast. No just tell her she’s the only one for you unexpectedly sometimes or write her a note before you leave for the day.

 

Something little gifts can boost a relationship no end. I don’t mean remortgage the house to buy a diamond bracelet or one of those expensive inside-out cats. I just think a little token when it’s not an anniversary or birthday that means something to her is really nice. A girlfriend once bought me ten galaxy ripples. They’re my favourite and it just really meant a lot that she had bothered to pick them up. I mean she expected sex that night but that’s beside the point. Just a little you’re-so-amazing-I-wish-I-could-shower-you-with-gifts-everyday type token of affection.

 

Surprise is also nice. Not the kind of surprise like telling her you may have slept with her sister or that you accidently knocked her mother out with a frying pan, but a nice one, like you’re taking her away for the weekend or you’ve cleaned the whole flat. Or have her favourite song on when she comes over. Or even better get the old fondue set out (You’re bound to have one, or seven, because EVERYONE thinks they’re amazing birthday gift) and smother grapes, strawberries marshmallows and lick it off. Do the same with her and the chocolate and then lick something else too. Always get brownie points.

 

Cooking for someone can be really lovely rather than just taking them out. It shows you’ve gone to all the effort. Although don’t do what I did and expect them to do all the washing up because you’ve used every single utensil and drank a bottle of wine while preparing it all. What I absolutely love the most are random romances. Getting up to watch the sunrise or staying up late on a starry night. A picnic next to a river was my best date because it was simple and we had the whole day to just relax.

 

I’m not the best at giving this advice, it’s very obvious from previous posts but these are just things I’ve learned or things that friends have told me that they do. I think it can be easy to forget that your partner is only your best friend but your lover too. But then again maybe buy her a book called ‘How to be romantic,’ and give to her. I mean why should you do all the work?

Funny Funny Funny

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Is humour important

My friend was whining to me that she needed to find a girl and said that a good sense of humour was essential. She then went as far to say that if a girl couldn’t make her laugh than there was no point in her even trying (and she wanders why she’s single..).

But a sense of humour can’t be the only thing that matters. Someone might be able to make you giggle but if their face looks like a camel’s vagina I doubt they really could ‘laugh you into bed’. I like people making me smile. Even simple things like how Americans say ‘aluminium’ or a humble ‘that’s what she said’ joke. I love when you’re not feeling too good and someone just knows how to make you feel better. And when you’re with someone who you laugh with so much it makes you forget everything else.

However, if I’m stressed out then I don’t need someone making a joke about how much of a mess my face and how I need to ‘chillax’. Balance is essential. I can also be bad at that though. I used to see a girl who used to make stupid jokes about how shit she looked just so she could fish very deeply for compliments.  Look at my hair isn’t it hilarious? The answer to that is ‘no it looks absolutely stunningly gorgeous’ like she was expecting. Even if you’re in a massive mood do not say ‘Yes it is would you mind standing upside down and mopping the floor with it because I haven’t got time right now.’ Because, well she won’t talk to you for a good while.

If two people don’t have the same humour, I still think it can work. As long as they appreciate each others. If one doesn’t feel included when they’re out in a group of the other’s friends that can cause a few awkward turtles.  And I’ve got a friend who really doesn’t get sarcasm. Like when I got a rejection letter from the publishers one of my friends after a while said ‘Why would you want to be a million pound writer anyway, you’ll be much happier living in a caravan with loads of free time on your hands,’ That is fine. And funny. But this particular friend said  ‘You must be so proud your writing has been rejected hundreds of times. Really not ok!

My humour I would say is quite sarcastic (the good kind). I have a lot of banter with my friends and we generally just take the piss out of each other. But then I do think I realize when someone doesn’t want to be taken the mick out of (exes excluded). Some people just have natural charm and wit, and some people just don’t. Oh and whatever, whatever you do, keep away from people who have a daily joke sent to their email

Friday Sex Talk

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Gay sex education

There have been talks recently about whether to include gay sex when teaching students in the UK about safe sex.

I am all for this. I mean at fourteen I could of got 100% in a test entitled ‘name the parts of the penis,’ yet I had no idea when at seventeen I was dealing with lesbian sex. Since my first was my probably-been-with-more-women-than-Hugh-Heffner boss, I had no idea if I could use anything to protect myself. (After a few months the local bar maid was a good contraception as she started sleeping with her and not with me, but that’s another story)

One very-annoying-needs-to-be-slapped-with-a-biology-syllabus person has been arguing against it because she thinks it’s pointless. She said ‘you can’t get pregnant from lesbian sex so why bother teaching it’. Well hold that stupid straight phone. One, No really? I’ve been scissoring for over a year now trying to impregnate myself. Tard. Two, the STI factor is probably what I’d start with in that argument. Gay teenagers should know that practising safe sex still applies to them. And three, if it’s pregnancy that these sex talks are trying to prevent then they’ve failed with about ninety-six girls in my year.

In class we were taught how to put a condom on a banana. Yes I did struggle immensely with mine before it pinged off and landed on the teacher’s arm, but I eventually got it. A femidom however I would have had no clue. I mean if you’d given it to me and asked me what it was used for, I would have either said some sort of organic musical instrument or for straining carrots and peas.

I also think that being taught it, would increase the tolerance towards gay people in the school. I mean it wouldn’t stop the bullying all together. I probably still would have had the ripped-out carpet pages of the Argos catalogue shoved in my locker and the poor very-camp lad in the year below probably still would have been cellotaped to the top of the tree in the playground, but I think it would have helped a little.

Sex education should be for everyone and should include every type of making-love-shagging-fucking-every-which-way there is to teach teenagers properly. Yes it will probably be cringy and a bit weird to bring it all up but that’s just school life, a whole seven years of being weird and cringy. There needs to be something put in place, and soon, so that teenagers, when they sleep with their own bosses, can be all protected and safe.

Funniest episode yet

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Episode starts with Lexy stretching away while Tess pretends to listen to Ed while watching her. Then more of Sam and Lexy running (I’m really getting used to it, it’s hot).  Sadie is still doing her temp work but after writing an article she’s going to try get it published. When the girls ask her how she got that job Sadie replies with her dry humour of ‘I fucked the editor,’

The cop opens the drawer in Sam’s work and you see Cat’s possessions. It’s that Oh-my-god-she’s-going-to-find-out moment waiting to happen. Lexie’s fuck buddy Lea seems to be getting jealous when she mentions that she’s asked Sam to a wine tasting session. Sadie makes Lauren feel really uncomfortable at her work which is hilarious telling her she ‘wasn’t all that.’ Tess is still funny Tess at her play and admits that she likes Lexy a bit. I really want to see them get together but then if you throw Sam in the mix who knows who will get with who.

Sam goes through her sympathy letters at home and it’s like every time you see her she’s either running or alone at home. Then later again she’s clearing up her clothes with the same sad look on her face. It’s seeing-a-puppy-being-abandoned sad. Very weird bit when Lexy goes into her locker and finds a note that says ‘I know’. Creepy and thickens the plot massively. All we know is that he’s a man and he has been calling her then hanging up.

Meanwhile at the wine tasting Sam and Lexy have those looks between each other again. Lexy speaks out loud about the wine and says it tastes like ‘twigs’ and ‘wet carpet’,  then gets told off and they leave. They then end up in more romantic place sitting across a small table. Sam tells her that she felt guilty about thinking that Frankie and Cat were fucking (again, more ahhhh she’s going to know soon) and Lexy then tells her about the locker incident. They have the longest stare off ever when Lexy says ‘I don’t have a girlfriend.’

Sam then disappears into the loo after having another panic attack and then leaves out the fire exit. More stares and I’m sure they nearly kiss before going home.  Sadie meanwhile is in the middle of more breathy sex teasing Lauren like hell until she apologizes. Tess is spending an evening alone by herself again, and the funniest moment ever when she gets her roller-skates out. It’s such a thing that Tess would do.

The next morning she dresses up for Lexy and it’s so cute as she tries to act casual. She then mistakingly thinks she’s going to the roller disco with Lexy while she has already made sexy-sex plans with Bea. Sadie spices up work for herself by snorting away in the loo and goes crazy over naming the cheese in the restaurant in which she works.

When Sam does eventually go and get Cat’s things I was literally screaming at the telly! I mean how much fucking worse can it get for the poor copper. It was a bus crashing into a train crashing into a tram crashing into a helicopter moment when she sees the bracelet and the initials.  She then starts watching the CCTV of Cat to see where she’s been and spends most of the night doing it.

Lexy really does have no idea about Tess’s feelings and so decides to on the date. Which turns out to be horrendous. The woman is the most up herself I-am-so-funny-and-so-wild-but-really-I’m-not make-up artist, slash model. The phonecalls for Lexy happen again but this time they find out her address and it starts to get scary.

Tess has a few too many units and takes the make-up girl home but it all gets so strange with the girl calling herself ‘a princess. Tess fakes being ill and the odd girl actually goes to get Lexy and I was laughing so much I could barely type watching them both trying to get rid of her making up the illness she has. ‘Yeah it’s infectious you should go home, no seriously go home!’

Sadie steps on thin dangerous ground when she meets Lauren’s partner and ends up getting a job with her. Lauren of course is furious but this doesn’t stop her kissing her. Sam then barges into the house to tell Lexy about Frabkie and Cat and tries to KISS Lexy but THANK GOD Lexy pushes her off and Sam runs back out. Really funny episode but with a again-feel-so-much-sympathy-for-Sam ending. Lets hope Frankie is back next week and there is some sort of amazing cat/Cat fight.

Freak out for Sam

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So it’s the end of the hot sex between Lexy and Bea (above) as her stalker is revealed. The episode starts with Sam still frowning and avoiding Lexy after she tried to kiss her after finding out about Frankie and Cat. I can’t wait to see her smile again. She’s addictive though like jaffa cakes, you want to watch her all the time.

Tess and Sadie discuss Lauren when Sam barges in on them and integrates them about Frankie and Cat when Lexy comes in and tries to diffuse the situation. Sadie then tells Lexy how Tess feels about her by calling her a puppy and saying one day she’ll wake up and Tess will be licking her face, or something further down.

Lauren ignores Sadie and tries to say they were done but Sadie, the artful dodger as always has other ideas. As per usual she gets into trouble by spilling coffee on a canvas so there’s a brown stain on it.

Lexy and doctor are still looking at other people to fuck. The scenes between these two are hilarious. Lexy tells him she doesn’t want to be Sam’s rebound and that she really likes her.

Tess is then in dress rehearsal and whines about Lexy meeting Meg and that she might think that’s the type she goes for. We get a glimpse of her stalker and then he comes into the hospital handing her a Tshirt and we then find out that it’s Bee husband and that she has a child. She runs into Bee and freaks out on her and we see Lexy actually angry for the first time which is quite hot.

Sam picks up the phone to Lexy and tells her to stop calling  her. Then while interrogating a drug user she goes crazy on him and pushes him on to the floor for lying to her showing how uncontrolled she is, even though she tries to cover it up. She gets told to go home and she answers ‘to what?’

Sadie in the gallery meets an investor and shows him the canvas in which she spilt coffee on. So funny when he says ‘I like it’. Lauren ignores all of Sadie’s txs but then of course she’ll break. Especially when Sadie turns up at her house. And calls her boring and strips off in front of her, and then starts licking her, all before Jo turns up.

Lexy tells Tess about the stalker and compared to Declan love she’s a lot more supportive. They then compile a list of things that all girls should have including open to sexual experimenting and doesn’t listen to Coldplay twenty four seven. There is no such girl! Tess thinks there is a slight moment before Sadie comes in and with her normal perfect timing kills it.

We then see Lauren checking her messages and cancels her day in order to go and see Sadie. They go to a sex shop, dress up in ridiculous outfits and very loud sex in the changing room with Sadie threatening for her arse to get the ‘fairy wand.’ Ed goes to see Sam and see how she’s getting on. She lets it rip on him before walking off. Then Ed’s girlfriend shows her proper true-bitch-colours as per and belittles him before telling him to keep his chin up. But then he feels a bit happier when he gets a fan. Every time I see Ed I’m like aw he’s like some sort of little pixie that needs looking after.

In the book launch they run into Meg and so Lexy and Tess escape onto the roof. There is kind of a moment between them but then because we know Lexy’s feelings towards Sam we don’t know if it will happen. Of course then the moment is spoilt again when her co-worker turns up drunk and Tess has to drive him to his exes house where she ends up having to hide in the dog kennel.

Sam is sitting drinking wine by the bottle and finds the drugs she confiscated in her pocket and snorts quite a lot of it, mashing up the pills ironically with her police ID card. Jesus will someone give the girl a hug! Or a fuck, anything.  Lexy comes down off the roof after a while with a paper model and points to the hand of it and says the best line ever ‘Fifteen fingers, what’s not to like.’ I’m definitely agreeing with that.

Sam actually leaves the flat and goes to a bar looking all hot and annoyed and smouldering. It’s a different side of her even in the first series because we only saw her get with Cat and no one else. She pounces on a girl and takes her home and has her naked up against the wall but doesn’t look like she’s enjoying it at all herself. Once it’s over the she tells the girl to go telling her ‘she’s just wrong.’

I’m starting to really like Lauren and Sadie together, they make a sweet couple. There’s only the small problem of Sadie’s boss and Lauren’s wife, Jo. Sadie shows a lot more of a softer side when her and Tess talk about Lexy. I really really (x a million) want to know what happens with the whole Lexy and situation and whether Sam will sort her head out enough to be a candidate or whether Tess’s sweet and innocent nature will win her over.

Fake Women

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Playing-the-Village lesbians

Now this isn’t generalising gay women who live in villages. I’m sure there is a lot of nice, fit, pleasant ones who live a simple life not bothering a soul. I’m talking about the player types who live somewhere where not a lot happens and its slim pickings on the lesbian front. So then they get bored and find girls who are otherwise happy in their own little lives and boom! Suddenly you’ve been kicked in the face with a kiss and are flat on your back coming out to your parents and wandering what the hell just happened.

So then you’re all confused and you’re trying to get your head around the whole shebang (literally) and thinking about a whole new chapter starting in your life, and your wandering if she is actually the one, and how the rest of the village will react if they knew about you, and how she’d like to go away on the weekend perhaps, and are you actually in love. Well she’s thinking, I’m bored, I’m going to go and find another innocent girl – and then the whole vicious slap-a-vegetarian-in-the-face-with-ham circle starts again.

So this is a warning post really. Avoid this woman. There is probably one in every village (If you live in Wales this is a definite). Not that I’m bitter about this happening to me or anything. I mean I do hope that shes now under a bridge somewhere sharing brussel sprouts with a very clingy girlfriend but you know, that’s a normal feeling.  It’s just the same type of thing has just happened to one of my friends and the whole story mirrored mine so I’m guessing there is many  more-of-a-predator-than-actual-pedator women out there.

So keep away from any woman who lives in a village with a population of five hundred or less. Also if she’s a bit shady about her past and if you see a woman bursting into tears just at the sight of her (this should have been enough for me to be honest) keep clear. Or if she has more than seven cats, she’ll be bad news.

Friday Sex Talk

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Bad sex

If you’re sitting up in bed writing a shopping list and you’ve almost forgotten that your girlfriend went down on you ten minutes before then chances are the sex life isn’t so great. But can you fix bad sex or is it a simple chemistry equation that you and her arn’t getting?

Sometimes it can be bad from the off where you really like the girl and all her other qualities are amazing and you can see yourself settling down with her and doing all the grown up stuff like buying a house and getting a cat. But if the sex is bad it can really put you off. And it’s difficult to bring it up when all you’re doing is either shagging or lying in bed just after doing it. You can hardly say ‘Oh you know what we just did; it wasn’t really that good for me.’

Rather than have a ‘talk’ about it when you’re fully sober over dinner or watching Family Fortunes, I always think it’s better to try and say what you want during. Kind of coach each other into what you like. If they’re touching you in the wrong place then move their hand so they’re prodding you in a different spot. Or say ‘You know what would be amazing, if you did this,’ and show them something. When you’ve only just got together it’s much less just-walked-into-a-lamppost-cringey than having a full blown conversation, or argument about it.

If the sex has turned watching-the-shopping-channel boring, like if you’ve been in a relationship a while and it’s just a routine then try spicing it up with something. Shake up the whole bedtime habit with toys, sexy underwear, photos, chocolate, cream, Dvds, erotica, wine, candles (to light I mean, I wouldn’t, you know) pillow fights, costumes, sweets, fantasising, karma sutra, strip tease, lube, candyfloss or marmite. You never know what might work with experimentation.

If they don’t like doing things that you love then try simple flattery and encouragement. If they won’t go down on you (but seriously, what kind of lesbian are you dating?) then try say something like ‘You know, NO one else has EVER managed to make me come like that,’ I’m telling you now she’ll see it as a challenge to get one up on your exes. Another quite sneaky way is to tell mutual friends that she’s the best in bed. Then they’ll tell her and she will try a lot harder so she can keep her title. Not that I’ve done these things. I mean I haven’t had a girlfriend go down on me for ages or only want to please me because of this at all…

If it’s just bad and you’re in a counting-the-cracks-in-your-ceiling-while-doing-it rut then you might actually have to have a talk.  Although take it from experience saying the words ‘shit,’ ‘crap’ or ‘I struggle to stay awake every time you do things to me,’ will not help. They’re probably going to be surprised, as I’m guessing you would have been faking it or you would have had the talk a lot sooner. And be prepared that she might have things to say about you. You might not be so I’m-so-awesome-I-make-a-girl-come-just-by-kissing-her great yourself.

Sadly sometimes, it’s just not meant to be. Bedroom time can be a good indication of how much chemistry you have and if you’re thinking ‘I could do better myself,’ then you need to question how important it is to you. Be mature, think about it rationally and then set out ways to make it better. Or do the total opposite, say you’ve got a headache, buy a really good rabbit and go to town once she’s asleep.

Friends or the girl

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You have fallen head over heels in love. You want to spend every second with the person and even nipping to the loo feels like you’re leaving the bedroom for too long. It’s when your life suddenly makes sense and you’re spouting phrases normally heard on ‘My little pony’. But then it can all come down with a bump if you finally leave the post coitus look, get dressed and introduce her to your friends.

If you’re friends don’t like your girlfriend it can put you in a very confusing situation. That kind of confused you get when you’re standing in a queue but you’re not sure who’s in front. It’s a battle between the people who you trust, who have always been there for you, who have supported all your decisions, you go to in emergencies and will do absolutely anything for you, and the person, who right at this present moment in time, is giving you sex.

So what do you do? First off, your friends aren’t going to be slagging your new girl off for no reason. Figure out what they have a problem with. Is it that she brags that she is multi millionairess when your friend is a slip-up-at-work from living in a box? Does she talk about her bodily functions when your other friend is trying to eat her rice pudding? Does she slurp her lemonade too loudly? Or is she doing the lips-tits-arse dance at other girls when you leave the room. All to be taken in serious consideration.

Sometimes, your friends will be too nice to say anything and you’ll have to go on your instincts on whether they like her or not. Either that or put some sort of listening-in device on their bras, but this can get a tricky and creepy. If they are finding reasons to criticise her such as what she wears or that she has annoying laugh chances are they’re not that keen. They might also say things in front of her that will get you in trouble like how many women you’ve done the dirty with or tell her about that time you wound up naked in Times Square with a dead badger on your head. And it’s definitely a sure sign that they don’t like her if they’re suddenly too busy ‘washing their hair’, especially if most of them don’t have that much.

Make sure that your friends aren’t just jealous. Not of her exactly but maybe because she’s taking up a lot of your time and they’re barely seeing you. (Maybe your friend does have a massive can’t-think-about-anything-else crush on you but one lesbian problem as a time please). Another reason might be that in the small lesbian worlds that exists, one of them may possibly you-never-know might have smashed their bits together with her and they’re feeling very uncomfortable with the whole situation.

You’ll have to give it a bit of time; your friends may come round and start spitting rainbows about her too. If they start actually spitting at her though it’s time to get new mates. Or you might realize that the girl isn’t really for you and peace will be restored. At the end of the lesbian day, your friends will only be looking out for you. And one day in the future, you’ll still have your closer friends and you’ll probably look back at the bodily-function-talking-lemonade-slurping sex bitch and not remember her name.

Fit Sex Scenes

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More sex scenes this week. Got to love it. The episode opens with a very grumpy tired Tess who isn’t sleeping. Lexy gives her suggestions about what to do and then gives her a hug. The look Tess gives her when she hugs her is ‘You know what would make me sleep? Sex with you.’ Frankie is still living off cigarettes and alcohol and maybe yoghurt and I can’t believe that she picks up the phone to her mother and apologizes.

When running it’s very awkward between Lexy and Sam but then there is a LOOK where it’s a split second too long. She seems fine when she out but then freaks out with her parents touching Cat’s stuff. Lexy says ‘she looks good in lycra’ speaking the words on everyone’s lips.

We meet new character Lauren when Sadie immediately tries it on in a meeting but Lauren points out her spelling instead. She has that teacher telling-off thing and tells her she likes to check out new talent with that raise of an eyebrow and the parting of the lips.

Tess and Ed talk about cat, I’m so glad they didn’t just cut her out completely like the Dana situation in Lword. They all tak about her it’s still fresh in everyone’s minds. Making sure they’re not forgetting that Tess used to go to Uni so will also miss her a great deal. They make a lot of this through the episode.

Frankie’s mother is such a hard bitch. Her daughter’s love has just died and she’s giving her the feel-sorry-for-me-speech that she’s the victim. As I said last week, she needs a good bitch slap. Sam’s in therapy in work against her will. Doing her hands-behind-her head fit stretchy thing. And then she clashes with Frankie, at the graveside. They have an awkward silence stand off when Sam just asks outright ‘Were you fucking her,’ Frankie after a loaded pause says ‘No, she chose you,’

Lexy has a drink with fuck buddy hot blonde girl and Frankie makes the decision to go back to New York. I was just thinking if she friggin leaves the show than that would really be just-dropped-your-ice-cream disappointment right there. Sadie surprisingly showed loads of emotion as she leaves which surprised me. Tess caught up with her. You see a new side of Tess as her sleep deprivation gets the better of her and they row. Frankie again makes her promise not to say anything about her and Cat. Again it’s sparing Sam’s feelings which I thought was really lovely.

Sadie goes a bit mental and does the whole I-am-so-cool-drugs-rock-and-roll-VERY-loud sex-thing with food which DISTRACTS FROM THE AMAZING HOT SEX SCENE between Lexy and the blonde. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a convincing orgasm in all my life. SO incredibly fit. HOT episode. As sexy as..well I can’t really think of anything sexier than the sexy sex scene showing all the sex. I’ve written ‘sex’ too many times now and it doesn’t sound like a word.

All we’re missing now is Sam who bless her so much is telling the therapist that Cat was faithful to her. And you can see that it’s going to come out eventually and we’ll all be crying along with her when it does. When she finds the bracelet that will be it. She has really bad panic attacks through the episode. She meets Lexy again out in the lycra and they finish their run together. The talk about Cat and Sam fishes for information about why Frankie has left. Lexy gives her such a oh-god-I-so-so-like-you-cute look when she leaves.

Sadie has her way of getting the ladies. She laughs when Lauren tells her she has a wife who she ‘loves very much’. And then Sadie and the girl that has a ‘wife who she loves very much’ get it on in the office. Very good episode as per and a brilliant follow on from the sad episode last week.

Friday Sex Talk

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Reasons we have sex (– part one!)

Yes I am aware it’s Saturday but the Lip Service review will take up my next few Fridays, so Friday sex talk will be Saturday. Ok, moving on.

So this week I managed another spectacular fail in my life. I normally avoid everything that could possibly hurt me; bungee jumping, go-carting, generally just going outside. So on Tuesday I tripped in my own flat and catapulted myself into a cabinet and got two stitches. So as I was screaming every swear word I knew and clutching my head dramatically, I found myself wondering what could distract me from the pain. The first thing that came into my head bizarrely was sex. So that got me thinking to the many reasons that people throw each other down and make sweet love.

So obviously the first reason is that you hit your head on a cabinet and needed something to take the pain away because you can’t imagine that anything else will. I think it can work for anything, except maybe a groin injury because that would just heighten the pain. An orgasm surely takes your mind off whatever pain your feeling.

It’s not just jammed-your-hand-in-a-toaster physical pain either, but emotional pain too. The rebound sex has to be one of the most common reasons for a person to sleep with another. The she-left-me-for-the-ugly-decorator-and-now-Im-going-to-get-revenge speech while you’re crying into your double-vodka-and-coke can be quite a turn on to some people. If they think they can deal with you probably imagining your ex while you have sex and you feel like sex with someone else will help the dire situation then why the hell not.

And then maybe you are in a lot of emotional pain, but then the person that pays you attention is famous. Your pain then might go straight out the window. If a woman who you fantasize about, read about, cut out pictures of or follow around (this is tad stalkerish just saying) walks up to you, I doubt that you’ll say no. Imagine if Katherine Moenig came up to you covered in white chocolate and asked you to go to town. See? You’re really not going to say no. That would be rather silly. Ok, now stop imagining and read the rest of this article.

Continuing with the rebound theme, you may be out, looking all hot wearin sequins and looking all sexy when you bump into your ex. So obviously the mature thing to do is down a few very colourful-full-of-e-numbers shots, lean over to someone hot and offer them a sex on the beach while licking your lips. And if you’re not in a film then down some tequila, grab the nearest lesbian and kiss the face off them. Drinking will make you want to take down someone’s pants. It’s just a known fact in life. It’s the reason so many people wake up in the morning silently shouting and widening they’re eyes at the troll they managed to be naked with.

If you’re actually in a relationship though then in bed your partner might just roll on top of you, but even if you’re not in the mood then you’ll do it anyway because it’s just easier than having THAT argument (why have you gone off me, why are you sleeping with your teddy rather than me etcetera). And once you get into it you’ll probably enjoy it and end up high fiving yourself for some excellent loving.

Other times, it can simply be the fact that you can’t sleep. There is nothing worse than someone sleeping blissfully away if you’ve had three cans of coca cola and your eyes won’t even shut. If you’re just lying there, looking up at the dark ceiling, twiddling your thumbs and you’re still not getting an orgasm though it might be time to push them off you.